I wish you were here, baby. It's raining outside and was dark still at 7am this morning. I know you're here, I know you want us to be happy. Life is different than it ever was, each moment a new stepping into the void of unknown things. Just being here, being alive. We got you a pretty ornament of a golden bird with it's wings spread wide. Your dad picked it out for you. It reminds me of you, golden and sacred and full of joy. I know I never saw you smile but in my memory I did, I can see it, and it feels like you did. I love you so much. I know you'll help us get through the next couple of days. I don't want to move. I want the world to be as still and heavy as I feel. But we will get up and drive and be with our families and be still in the midst of festivity, and give hugs and get love and hope that we're not too much of a spectacle of sad things. Life does go on, but we take you with us. And your dad can really make me laugh and he knows how and thank god, he helps me over my stuck moments that way.
Merry Christmas, baby. We love you.
Love,
your mama
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