I have something to say about my eyes being opened. I get why people end up drugged out and on welfare and feeling hopeless in life. Did you think it was because they were lazy and just didn't have any dreams?
Our insurance paid 10 times less than we would have had to pay if we had no insurance. So the people who can't afford it end up in major major major debt. Debt that takes everything from you. Doesn't matter that our baby died, we would have been liable for $200,000 if we didn't have insurance at that moment.
I take time off work to heal my body, to heal my heart, but the bills keep coming, the expectations don't shift at all for the soft body and heart that is me. That is everyone at some point or another in life. But if you don't have family to support you, to gather round you and help ward off all the craziness, you can get smashed.
It's easy to see how anyone could end up in a desperate situation and just spiral down. There is so little care and protection for people who need time to grieve, recover, feel, get it together. We like to think that we get ahead by being "good". Good people don't commit crimes, don't do drugs, don't act irresponsibly. And with losing our baby, it's so easy for me to see how you can feel crushed by this huge machine of systems that doesn't care if you're there and needing some time to exist in and get used to the alternate reality that is now your life. Instead you get run over by the big riding lawnmower like a little gopher in the grass.
I'm about to write a letter to the credit bureau explaining why a bill was late being paid that a collection company called us for, one of dozens that came separately for all the different shots, x rays, and services Otto was given, because we were trying to figure out which insurance was paying it, if it was billed correctly, all the while having not enough desire to even eat much less pay attention to all this. In this society, it just feels like you get punished for things not going your way. and it's easy to ignore till it happens to you.
That is the only reason I care, I'm guilty of it, because it did happen to me. I now am aware that the little ways I can help someone when they're struggling don't make me a great person, it makes me part of a community, a village. It's part of my job as a human to be there for my fellow humans when they're feeling crushed. I think that must be part of why everything seems to be falling apart right now with our market, our country. Too long fending for ourselves, not looking around at the results. It's a nicer way to live, helping out. It feels better.
This is a rant, a feeling, just like all the others with a hint of anger and disgust. Money is good, it's constructive. Greed and compassion-lessness is gonna rip us up. I can't wait to be done with insurance and bills and credit bureaus, but it's likely to last a couple years. lame.
2 comments:
Jess, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this now. Your right. It is lame.
Dearest Jess
Bless you for sharing what's real. What matters. in this moment. I am at a loss for words to heal or help. But that is not really the point is it? For us to 'do' something. I think the point is just to love. And to be loved. Honestly.as much as we can.And you are. And your baby is. and we love him to, because he is a part of you. Is always. I think it is generous of you to share the experience of this love, this loss-as much as that is even possible-Perhaps it's the most generous thing one human can do with another. To remain connected. to not to separate. Separateness is what creates pain. Viewing those around us at "others". Seeing ourselves as as 'less than' or 'more' than others. When we allow the curtain to fall, to truly disappear between ourselves and those around us, we know love. You are love. You are loved. You are loving. You are grieving. You are human. I love you. Bills in a time of grief are lame. Send a poem in with the payment. Send a link to your blog. Send a CD. I'm serious. Why not. A longtime friend just lost her father last week because he was in a boat off the coast of Madagascar when a cyclone hit him in 40 foot seas. How lame is that? Send her your poem. Send her a song. I'll give them to her for you. Her name is Nicole. She is also grieving for a little boy who left her life suddenly as well. A year ago. Her sister is the mother. Her brother in law is the father. Her mother is the Grandmother. And her father, whom she just lost, is the Grandfather of the little boy who is her nephew, who left them all in a hurry. Without warning. After 2 years. This world makes no sense at all and I hope you wont hate me for writing on your very sacred blog. But I see, I feel, I hear how human you are. and I love you. and Otto. Over and over. Every day. I always will.
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