kisses

The kicks I feel from this little baby feel like kisses. They're getting more defined and I love them so much, I could just sit all day with my hand on my belly and wait for them. They make me so happy. It is nice to feel a joy that starts from the inside out.

I had a good cry tonight, missing my Otto so much and needing to look at his pictures, to really remember, to bond again. Amazing how much love is there. Love that makes the rest of the world seem silly. Like degrees and sales and other things. I am grateful for that perspective of love being really the greatest thing there is.

My little boy is with me, and my little baby is here in my belly. I just want to be a mama. I don't want to think about careers or how things will work out, I want to walk around the house singing to my baby. Sometimes I think of that me, the one that has a 10 month old boy now, I feel her in the house, talking to him, walking down the hall with a dirty diaper in hand, I long for that reality. I think, that's why I'm so disoriented, because that is the life that my heart is in, and nothing else I do right now makes up for that one.

All these realities overlapping, sometimes they are louder than others. And this reality here, at the computer typing before bed, is precious too because there is so much love. And confusion. But mostly love.

Goodnight my babies, goodnight my friends, goodnight cricket outside and the moon getting smaller, it's time to go to bed.