your due date

Your due date was a year ago today, baby. It is an amazing thing to sit and be here in the moment a t this time of the year, when the squash plants are fading, the tomatoes ripening but the leaves getting dry, the gladiola stalks brown, the leaves starting to dry and fall from the maple in the back yard, the time when you came last year, or were coming, we were waiting.

To be here now, and remember how clean the house was, your toys out, all of us waiting, calls coming in, emails, is the baby come yet?

you are so close to our hearts, so close now, as your birthday comes, your first birthday. this love that was born when you were born, that came to fruition, will always be strong in us for you.

And as I write this, your little sister gets comfortable in my belly, moves little hands and feet, she lets me know she is there, she always says hello. After I woke up scared the other night I asked her mentally, "are you ok?"...kick. Good, thank you. a few minutes later, I ask again, "still there?"... kick. thank you. Thank you for being a little active one who always says hello.

Almost the 3rd trimester. nesting, growing, loving, dreaming, hips aching, legs stiff, glowing, people asking every question in the grocery store, reading, breathing, practicing for birth.

All these tings are here with me in this moment, my babies, waiting, hoping, crying, feeling reassured, feeling afraid, knowing there is no way to speed it up. For the first time ever, the changing of a leaf to red in August makes my heart beat faster. Fall means you are coming. usually I avoid those leaves, I pretend they are not there, I want summer to last forever, every year. And this year, I can float on these days, suspended. In love for my son who is so close, in love for this baby girl who is in my belly. I keep reminding myself this is the closest she will ever be, it is a precious time, soak it up, don't wish it past.

The tears get thicker as Otto's birthday comes close. What does this day mean? The day you came to us, it is full of so much love, we can't believe it. It carries so much loss. We don't know what it will be, we just have to wake up and be in it, all four of us, together.