My belly is big

I need to find my camera so I can post a picture of it. I tell people I'm due in November and they always seem surprised! I sit like a man now, legs out, to leave room for the belly and baby.

I feel pretty with my big round belly. I wore a blue dress today that Catherine, my step mom, let me borrow for my pregnant time, it's cotton and flowy. I like dresses.

Oh baby Lima, we head into fall and I imagine the soups I will make and the smell of woodsmoke at night, Halloween and being as big as a pumpkin. I imagine you getting bigger and fatter in there. I imagine you deciding to come out, and an easy labor, and hearing you cry your big cry and how your daddy will cry too with a big smile on his face when he holds you for the first time. I can't imagine past that, it's all I got right now. But nothing else is as fun to imagine as that anyway.

Baby Otto, I saw a little boy your age today, my friend's boy, born about 2 weeks after you. I felt his feet and legs and arms, gauged how you would be, how you would feel, felt so much love for my pudgy one year old boy. I miss you so much.

I listened to a song on the way home, remember that song, "I'm a bitch I'm a lover I'm a child I'm a mother," and for a moment I felt like I was just right, a picture of perfection, in my dusty Subaru with a big hole in the lining where Bo chewed it up in a distressed moment, with my big belly and broken heart and new haircut, it was like a pattern of lace carefully woven, all these things in my life are me, a pattern that no one else is, I'm driving home with a latte and cookie for Ryan, on a sunny Sunday, with music playing, a baby in my belly, another baby in my heart, and so much love around.

I am in a daze of perfect blue skies with whispy clouds, warm sun, a breeze, leaves falling in droves from our backyard tree, slow mind, slow legs, sore hips, and love for Otto and Lima, and myself. and Ryan. and maybe even....life.