whoopsie doo

Almost each night
The waves start
I go into myself
I talk to my baby
I wonder if I will get to meet her,
I don't let myself believe it will be that night, then
But bit by bit, I start to hope,
I picture, I want, my heart opens,
And each night,
they fade away, farther and farther,
Like a whale song
Swimming far and deep
Far from me
Until it is silent, underwater stillness.
I wake up sad or angry
I know, I'm still early,
But this feels like being left. Alone.
I saw this ad on Facebook tonight
And think the vicious thought,
Maybe that's what I'll be left with.
A doll that pees and poops
Just like a real baby,
And you can change her diaper.
Ages 3 and up.
I'm 33.
And feel like I won't get the real thing.

Goodnight little one

Goodnight little baby, kicking and moving.
Getting ready for the big day.
We love you so much already.
We imagine holding you in our arms and giving you kisses.
I wish you a safe night and good sleep,
Store up lots of energy
And feel comforted
And know we are here with you
Through everything.
Don't be afraid, be excited!
A beautiful life is ahead of you,
The big oak tree outside full of stars,
Smokey November air,
Pumpkin bread and the voices of aunties and uncles
Grandparents and friends,
Gathered around you for this coming.
Enjoy these last days in the warm dark,
And then,
Want to be out of it,
Be ready for the next part,
Out in the open
But surrounded by love.