Oh, the dark and the light
The lights on the tree, the softness.
The memories of cookies on a plate and Nat King Cole singing from our record player. Now he sings from the ipod.
Oh, the darkness inside me.
Darkness can be warm and soft, the darkness that makes the Christmas tree beautiful, that allows it to be so special. The darkness of my sad heart, the part that just misses Otto. I don't think about it being Christmas and how he should be here, it is a matter of my body, my belly, my lungs, I feel it wash over, I feel his absence, I feel my love for him, I feel the hole. I just want to cry.
Maybe because Christmas is about children, sweet little kid memories with sisters, it's about a mama and baby, the child coming to the world. This may sound strange, but all the songs about baby Jesus seem like they're about Otto. Especially the first Christmas after he left. To me he was this glowing, perfect, loving soul. He was a prince. He was everything. He brought so much to us. And every day now I cry again, I grieve a little more.
And then there is the light. The light of our love for him, our strong, bright love, our gratefulness for his making us parents, gratefulness to have ever felt that love. There is the joy of Luna, of her laugh, her amazing habits. Like stirring a fake pot of soup and giving us sips of it. Of putting little pieces of paper in pockets that she makes in her shirt, or my shirt, of crawling as fast as she can to her Daddy's office door and banging on it, watching her put pieces of bread in her mouth, of jumping on her knees naked in our bed, her glee, her bigness. I have so much joy every day in her. Radiating joy.
I am so grateful for all of this love. From all of our family.
Life, the structures of it, can fall apart so fast. There is so little control. But the simplest being together, the talks around a kitchen table, preparing food, these are such beautiful things to love as we have them.
It is nice to be at peace with both of these things, my sadness and my joy. Christmas holds them both. We sing about the cheer and merriment, and more modern songs about the difficult times, missing home, missing a love. Really, we all have SOMEONE we miss at Christmas.
I am enjoying it this year, unwrapping our ornaments; those from childhood, from 11 years of marriage, 3 years of Otto's ormaments, Luna's 2nd year, these gifts that mark togetherness, love, tradition, sweetness. I am enjoying the bells, the cookies, the love. And I usually don't want to go to bed at night because of the heaviness of pain.
This is Christmas! All of it is beautiful. Not easy, but beautiful.
