Friday, January 14, 2011

Headstone

We have finally gotten around to designing Otto's headstone. Choosing the color is the hardest. Because it's gonna be there for a long time.

It feels good to put such care into it. It will be nice to go to the cemetery and be proud of it instead of the little plastic marker that is there now.

We put flowers and totems around it. Hummingbirds and turtles, but it needs an honorable marker. And something about the new year this year, I was ready to go and just make it happen.

Just made the down payment.

Would it suck to work at a place that makes headstones? Most people are sad that you work with. Would you have to stifle your good mood? It's probably satisfying too. The guy I talked to today reminded me of Dan Akroyd with a mid-western accent and said he missed the birds in the winter up there (in Washington). He liked my parakeets over the phone.

We chose a graphic with a hummingbird and flowers. They'll start designing some mocks for us and we'll get to see them next week. I can't wait. It feels WONDERFUL to do something for Otto.

I miss him so much. Two close people to me have lost loved ones lately. A husband, a brother. I grieve for them and then I grieve for Otto. I grieve for his big earlobes. Like my mom's and my sister's. I miss those earlobes so much. I miss the kisses I would have logged on them by now.

But for a couple more weeks I think seriously about granite. Granite with green flecks, blue flecks, light, dark. What do I want to see when we go there? I always thought I'd want it to be the grey that looks so nice and stately. But with all the options this headstone place offers, we feel like taking a chance and going with something like "evergreen."

I'll post a picture when it's done.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Ambulance

Love and death.
Life and death.
Life and love.

I saw an ambulance by the coffee shop today, pushing Luna by in the stroller.

Are you a person who sees and ambulance with lights on and thinks about that time when...

For me it is this:

I gave birth
On the floor of my living room by the heater.
After 26 hours, I gave all that I had,
and gave birth to my first child.
And turned around to look at him
And I couldn't see him
Because the midwives were around him.
And I said, Why aren't you giving him to me,
And they said, Are you on the cord? Move off the cord,
And I found the thin and rubbery cord on the floor
And lifted my body away from it,
Sitting on the wood floor, stunned and confused,
Out of breath and still,
And moved to where I could see him.
I put my fingers on his body,
Wet and new.
They said, Does this baby have a name?
And I said Otto
We said his name,
and told him about the stars and the trees
And all the things he needed to be here for
And a tall man with a black uniform came in
And took him away in his big hands
To an ambulance with flashing lights
A tall man in a black uniform
Held my son
He was gentle and soft with my little baby,
Rushing outside into the cool summer night
And we followed behind in the car.