Just put Luna to sleep for her nap. She fell asleep in my arms, which is one of the best things in the world. We love each other so much. So wonderful to feel that, to know it and not question, to just revel in it. I stare at her for a while before I walk her to her bed. And lay her down to sleep by herself for a little while. So beautiful. Hard to walk away. Each day is so precious. And she is changing and getting so tall and saying so much.
I look at Otto's pictures on the windowsill as she is sleeping in my arms and feel my love for him, our boy. Accepting our big love for him, out in the open, telling people openly, "no, don't be sorry that you asked if she has an older sibling, because I like to talk about him." I love him, still love him, and I am so happy to talk about my son too. Luna knows him.
We are at an easier place. The heartache doesn't take over everything as it does at first. But the missing is always there, and sometimes comes over bigger. I missed him a lot at Halloween, felt dizzy by seeing all the kids, remembering Halloweens when we were so devastated to be without our child. He is always in my heart, the tenderness that filled me when I got to hold him was something I had never felt so strongly and meltingly before. He gave that to me. He made me a mama. And he gave me the gratefulness I have with Luna, knowing the preciousness of moments, of the love between mama and child, that nothing could ever replace it.
And the moment I just had, hearing the whir of the wall heater in our small house, the spin of the drier, the sunlight coming into the living room between tree branch shadows and the bleeps of the parakeet in the other room as my beautiful girl slept happily in my lap, I said Thank You. Thank you for this perfectly peaceful moment, when all is well. This was my greatest dream and it is here. Thank you.
