At Christmas we miss you so much.
We get your ornaments out from the box. And put them up on the tree. We buy you one every year.
We love you as much as we love each other, but you aren't here.
Our boy, our son, brother. We miss you so much.
I love being together with family this time of year, the baking of cookies and old traditions being brought to present, celebrating love and being inside when it's dark, drinking warm drinks, being cozy. I just wish you were here.
My mom buys you a coat every Christmas. She buys a coat your size and donates it to a little boy who needs it. The coat looked so big this year. I so wish I could see you wearing it. But I'm glad that another little boy will wear it. He deserves it and I wish him so well in his life.
This year I feel even more a need to draw you into our traditions. I'm getting you a stocking tomorrow and we will fill it with poems and notes and donations we will give to another child in your honor. I want to say your name at Christmas meals, and love you at family gatherings, light candles for you, include your name in cards. And do it without shame or worry of what people will think. This is what I feel to do this year. You are part of our Christmas, so I will include you. Your spirit.
Most people miss someone at Christmas, I know we are not alone. Loving and missing are an honor. I am glad to have loved your beautiful golden self the way I got to, to feel you move, to have you so close to my body, to kiss you and sing to you, to have my first baby. To get to have more. To miss you the rest of my life. It IS better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved.
But the tears are there. And the wondering why it had to be you. But it was you.
Anyway, I want to say I love you, my boy. It feels good to tell you. I wish I could hug your 3 year old body and kiss your face till it bugged you! You're my darling.
mama
