I realize sometimes that I don't feel as valuable a person without my little boy to take care of. To eat for, to sleep for, to watch everything for. It's easy to feel like it's not as important to eat, to eat well, without this little body and spirit who was also partaking. I just read something that reminded me that I am worth feeding, body and soul, as just me.
I don't feel as important, not being a mom. I am waiting for the day I am a mom again to be important again. And, as hard as it is to live it out, this is not true. I am still important, I am still a soul, just like Otto, I am as important as him. This part of my life is real too. This part that is so hard and dark and gets so old, and I see it stretching out in front of me for long miles and it just doesn't seem worth it sometimes. But I have a garden in the back yard and it makes me happy to work out there. To put my hands in the dirt. To care and tend it. The sun came out as I was doing breathing and stretching in the living room and it shines on me as I breathe, and I am alive now. I don't just want to wait till I'm pregnant or have a baby to feel good again. I know Otto wants me to feel good things, I know he loves me. I just can't stop crying.
1 comment:
I love you. I always have, even though I was bossy and the food was too spicy.
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