My Beautiful Little Boy

Heartache heartache. Like after you've swum in the ocean and got water up your nose and can feel it the rest of the day, it feels watery. Probably from crying.

Yesterday I went back to my good ol' prenatal water aerobics class, I went a couple times a week with Otto in my belly. It really helps me feel good, and I made some good friends there last time. Going back, to the same teacher, same routine, all different people, knowing I'd tell them my story at some point, it's hard. I missed my old friends, I missed being normal and I missed Otto.

I told myself, this is Lima's turn now, it's different. These are HER friends, this is her time.

But there is just heartache to go through. I got home to a card from Memorial Hospice, saying that they remembered that Otto died a year ago, and some nice things, but that triggered something and I just longed for him. I looked at his pictures and couldn't believe I would never hold him again. I don't know if this will ultimately sink in ever. And when I tap into that longing it seems endless.

I look at pictures of babies in the belly and I touch my baby through my skin, I am with her. I tell her I cry for her brother, it's not about her, I just miss our boy. But she must feel it. I fall asleep on the couch, finally, with my hands on my belly, just listening to her movements, enjoying my baby, the baby that is here now, so close to me. Ryan made dinner, took over. I know he has heartache too but he takes care of me.

These last weeks are full. Full belly, full love, full fear, depending on the moment. Part of me would like to go into cloister and not see anyone till she comes. I don't want to act normal because I don't feel normal.

To lose a child is heartache. I miss him. I long for my babies so much that I can't get to pictures of deliveries without a waterfall of longing, hope, sadness. And I'm starting to think about my own, preparing, and wondering how I will do it. I know I am strong and will do it but my heart knows the wonder of meeting a baby, and it is so ready! To wait and trust! at least it's September now! yay for September.