Oh pizza

So we go to our favorite NY Pizza Pie place, where Ralph speaks with a good Bronx accent, and the pizza is pretty damn close to the real East Coast thing, slightly adapted for Californians. Everyone loves to talk to Ralph about their piece of back East, including me.

Tonight someone asks Ralph, "I wanna order a do-it-yourself pizza" ( meaning he wants to pick the toppings). Ralph says, "oh yah? You know how to make a pizza? You wanna go back there and make it? How bout I make the pizza."

Someone else asks him, "hey, you know Pork Rollers? Like they have in New York?" Ralph says, "Do you put it on a pizza? Then no." It's awesome.

So we're in there and his wife is there too. And I'm big, my belly runs into things. She asks me if I want a beer. I love it. Tells me how she thinks it's fine to drink a little during pregnancy. I say I'll just have a sip of Ryan's, don't want to draw attention in public, we are still in California.

And then comes the usual conversation, all about the baby, and is this our first, I say no. I like leaving it at that because Otto isn't just defined as having died a week into his life. For me he is so present, he is my son, and if they need to know more, I'll tell them more about him. It's always kind of painful and awkward though. So I tell her. When she asks how old my son is.

Later she comes back, and says, "You know, your son is with the Lord." It was so strange, I had no idea what to say, it wasn't a question, it was a statement. How God loves children and takes care of them, and when I die I'll go to heaven and see him as a child.

To sit there with Ryan and try to take it gracefully was a challenge. She asks me "Do you believe this?" And I'm just thinking, why do I need to tell you what I believe? It is so vast and misty, of my heart, not something I go around defining in pizza parlors to people I just met. I know my baby is with me, I know he's in a good place, but to define heaven and God and how it all works?
This is my child, so close to my heart, and words don't need to be spoken here about the BEYOND.

She leaves and Ryan and I are both fighting back tears. Not sure exactly why. Partly because she gave me a hug, partly because we didn't know what to say. And we miss him so much. And making him an angel makes him not real.

Don't worry, we left in good spirits because the pizza is so good. And we went to gelato and got the BEST flavors - I got pumpkin and vanilla, it was the best dessert I've had for a while. Then we got coffee (for Ryan) and then a nice turn around the used book store, and it was FUN! We had a fun night. Indulgent. Strange. Good.

The moon is almost full. My belly is definitely full. And it was so nice to have fun! We're learning this. Tragedy, fun, laughing at yourself, laughing at other people, it's all part of this short/long life. We ended by taking pictures of my belly from angles that make it look huge, and Bo trying to kiss Ryan the whole time because he was on the floor. I laughed and laughed.