My Beautiful Little Boy

This morning we got up at 6 which is really 5, and went to a networking meeting. We saw the moonset over the north western hills, big and orange. I've never seen a big moonset like that in the early morning. It was beautiful and eery. Like a sign.  Of beginnings and endings being so close together, the moonset and sunrise within minutes of each other.

happy full moon.

I'm not crying much these last few days. I feel a little strange about that. To let love for you shift from so much pain to a lighter one, a smile, then anger and disappointment, and love for your baby hands and holding you. It all comes around and around, all the cycles. I am glad for sunny days when they come.

I look at pictures of myself holding you so I can see me being a mom. Being your mom. It just seems so good, too good to be true, an ancient universe that once was that is a story now.  I know it wasn't that long ago, but it just is soo good was sooo  hard afterwards for so long, that it's all out of dimension.

But my heart is a mama's heart, even though most people can't see you. And they don't know. It doesn't matter.

I sang your hummingbird song at the show, and cried, and everyone cried with me.  They all heard about you and longed for you. I missed you as I went up to play, remembered that tear I cried as I finished the last note of the last show before I took a break for the 3rd trimester, not knowing when I'd come back. That tear seems so silly now. You are so much better than a stage. But I still love singing, I still love the smell of a bar. Isn't that funny? Stale beer on the floor and the old walls hinting of past cigarettes. It's the smell of my songs. 

Well, Otto, I know you have a sense of humor, that you are with me on sad days and happy days, I miss you so much. 

I love you.

Mom