New Moon

The moon is dark tonight. The light is snuffed out, and we are in a cocoon, gray sky, warm heater, damp and cold outside. Our friends Nate and Katie visited this afternoon with their 6 month old Selah and little Finn, almost 3. It felt so good to hold this baby. She smelled so good, she smiled big, and felt so good against my chest, in my arms. I have been aching for this. And I hope that it will just be a happiness, a relief, rather than a downer later when I realize i won't be holding my own baby again, no baby of mine anytime soon. Not soon enough for me. I have decided that I am done with trying to understand life or say anything wise or poetic about it. At least for now, I'd like to be neutral and just here. Because nothing else makes sense. I am alive, I get up, I eat, I hug Ryan, I sleep, I enjoy walks, I am. I am noticing things and passing the time. That is all there is. The new year approaches. I am not brave enough to hope for anything right now. The hour passes and the next passes.My sisters will come over and I will make them cookies and we will pass time together. And then I'll sleep again. Here I am.

Christmas Eve

I wish you were here, baby. It's raining outside and was dark still at 7am this morning. I know you're here, I know you want us to be happy. Life is different than it ever was, each moment a new stepping into the void of unknown things. Just being here, being alive. We got you a pretty ornament of a golden bird with it's wings spread wide. Your dad picked it out for you. It reminds me of you, golden and sacred and full of joy. I know I never saw you smile but in my memory I did, I can see it, and it feels like you did. I love you so much. I know you'll help us get through the next couple of days. I don't want to move. I want the world to be as still and heavy as I feel. But we will get up and drive and be with our families and be still in the midst of festivity, and give hugs and get love and hope that we're not too much of a spectacle of sad things. Life does go on, but we take you with us. And your dad can really make me laugh and he knows how and thank god, he helps me over my stuck moments that way.

Merry Christmas, baby. We love you.
Love,
your mama

I carry your heart with me

I carry it in my heart. The e.e. cummings poem says everything perfectly. I am getting better at learning how to drive and talk to you, Otto. How to work and be with you. How to do the dishes, and lay in bed in the morning, and have you so close to me. It is not the same as your soft warm skin, but I can remember it. On some days, on days like this, I feel your peace, I feel so grateful to have met you, to have this seed planted in me that will grow more and more substantial with every day, for the rest of my life. Into a great tree. Even though you were a newborn baby when you died, you will have roots and branches and a big trunk for me. I will always have you as my son, I will always mourn you. Till the end of my days. I will always love you. And learning how to love like this is work, and it is worth it. I look at your picture and my heart aches, and I cannot tell if I want to sing for joy or pain. I cannot tell them apart. It is one big scream that wants to come out. A yell. A note. I am so glad you are with me. I am so glad you are my baby. I miss you but I have you. I am so glad you are here.

Day After the Full Moon

The full moon was last night and the patio was white with light in the night. Tonight we walked Bo at twilight, when I feel closest to you, and saw the sky light up - the clouds to the west first gold and then pink and all glowing before fading into night.  At twilight we know everything changes quickly, to me it is the most beautiful and light has a roundness and a fullness, right before the dark.  And the first star comes out and I say, "hello, my boy."  To me, you are the first star, which is really Venus,  it is a sweet and poignant point of white in the sky, it is the beauty of night, hope in the dark, and it is you. Our lives are like this now, your dad and mine.  We know that everything will change. We know the night comes. We know, somewhere in us, that the next day comes too.  We know that even though we can't see you, you are there. And you are clear, between the night and day, in the holy moments when the veil is thinned and the bats come out and the fragrance of the earth is strong.  It is your time, it is our time with you. 

Everyday we let go of the sun, the warmth, every year we let go of summer and go into the darker season, and every so often in life we let go of something as wonderful as you, something that will not come back again, that will never be replaced as it was.  That will not hold the same place in us.  And it is terrible.  And everything keeps turning anyway, everything keeps changing.  And I see the first star, I see Venus, and for a small instant, an old ancient part of me knows that  you are there, my boy, that you never left, that we will always have you.  And so I say hello to you, out loud, every night. And I know you hear me.

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