New Moon

The moon is dark tonight. The light is snuffed out, and we are in a cocoon, gray sky, warm heater, damp and cold outside. Our friends Nate and Katie visited this afternoon with their 6 month old Selah and little Finn, almost 3. It felt so good to hold this baby. She smelled so good, she smiled big, and felt so good against my chest, in my arms. I have been aching for this. And I hope that it will just be a happiness, a relief, rather than a downer later when I realize i won't be holding my own baby again, no baby of mine anytime soon. Not soon enough for me. I have decided that I am done with trying to understand life or say anything wise or poetic about it. At least for now, I'd like to be neutral and just here. Because nothing else makes sense. I am alive, I get up, I eat, I hug Ryan, I sleep, I enjoy walks, I am. I am noticing things and passing the time. That is all there is. The new year approaches. I am not brave enough to hope for anything right now. The hour passes and the next passes.My sisters will come over and I will make them cookies and we will pass time together. And then I'll sleep again. Here I am.