the days you were here

The days you were here at home with us are a warm and golden blur.  Yes, I knew what was ahead, but you filled me with joy. With a happiness I hadn't known before. I knew it was only a matter of hours, so I decided to let them be golden, so  could remember them that way.  Everyone said I was doing so well, and that was because I was filled by you, by the existence of you, our son. By the love we had flowing between the three of us, our partnership so strong.  I know now that it won't end, that it is as normal as the blood in my veins.  But also, I mourn.  I grieve and it is work. I feel lonely for you.  I feel like my best friend has died. 

But the time you were here, your sweet 9 pounds, your golden heart, the sounds of your breath, was beautiful. Thank you for being here for that time, for not checking out right after you were born, for the week you stayed.  thank you for letting us feel your warm, softest skin, the silkiness of your hair, the scent of you.  

I always ask for your help. Funny to ask your own little baby for help, but you are in that position now I think.  Help me trust that more babies will come.  That we will be parents for healthy children.  Get them ready for us, take care of them, big brother.  I feel your love for them too.  Guardian. Sweet little boy. Help me be strong enough to keep going. We love you.