I Am the Mother of Two Children

Baby Otto

Baby Luna


I am the Mother of two children.
My son and my daughter.
My golden boy and my strawberry girl.
I love the day, mother's day,
When I get to write both their names
When both their names appear on cards
When I can write:
Love, Ryan, Jess, Otto and Luna
Because that is always how I feel.
Because I carried and gave birth
to a big bouncing beautiful boy
who had an accident
and had to leave so early...
and his name is always missing where I want to put it
But I don't want to seem maudlin or weird
Writing the name of my dead little boy on every card.
But I can do it today, because no one can say today,
That he isn't with me.
This is my second mother's day without him.
Last year on this day, my mama and I went to pick a rosebush for him.
We searched and searched for the right colors.
And chose a rose called Josef's Coat, with brilliant sunny colors
With creamy oranges and bright pinks, yellows and creams,
each finding different expression on each flower,
the petals works of watercolors themselves,
magenta bleeding into sunrise,
a lift for the spirit to just look at it.
Why does a boy with such a sad story
Inspire such wonderful colors?
I don't know! But we loved him so much!
And I love him now, just as much as my Luna,
My funny, sweet, velvety voiced, happy eyed girl,
The baby I get to hold, whose weight I get to feel,
Whose diaper I get to change, whose hair I get to wash,
Whose feet I get to kiss and bite softly,
Little sister. Little sister gets enough love for the both of them,
And she send's Otto's portion
Straight up to him, and he's somewhere, everywhere,
Soaking it up and glowing and with happy eyes.
It is easier for me to send him love lately,
Luna's realness, her weight, makes him real again,
Makes me know more what I lost,
Makes me miss him more, but love him more too.
Makes me know how much he loved me here,
And loves me now.
I am the mama of two children,
one here and one gone,
a boy and a girl,
one in the ground and sky, one in my arms,
My heart aches with this love
The love of light and shadow,
and knowing that I can't control which one I will walk in,
Any day, any hour, we are subject to all things,
And love covers them all, the disappointments, the surprises,
The loss, the gain, in sickness and in health,
for rich or for poor,
Love is love is love is love
and it's really all we live for.
So, my two children,
It is such an honor to be your mama.
I love you both so much.
You are so perfect and I am so lucky.
I love this day, when I can write both your names
And call you my own,
And be in the wonder
Of being a mama
Of two beautiful children.