Happy 2nd birthday my Otto, our Otto, our baby boy. I had things to say and I can't remember them now. There is just a welling up feeling in my chest, and a tiredness and not-sureness of how to do this.
We had a beautiful day at the beach to celebrate you. A day of sun, a rarity this summer, especially for the beach. At Nana's house we gathered beautiful rose petals of all colors in a bag and we set them in the foamy waves, and watched them gather on the beach in wave shaped s-curves and swirl around in the water. Yellow and red and purple and pink, so brilliant together.
Luna loved playing in the sand, and looked at seagulls and the waves.
The waves, the pounding, rumbling, singing, vibration of so much power and so much force and blue beauty, it can handle all the emotions we carry for you. And once we were there we were free to enjoy your birthday. The day you made us parents, the day we were honored to call you ours and perfect. Oh, how blissful to know that full of a love.
When we took you to Memorial Emergency Room, and saw your name we had just uttered for the first time to the world in print on your bed, we smiled to each other and pointed at it - look! his name! Officially! We hadn't told anyone about Otto Charles and here you were, and your name carried a magic. How innocent, holding out so much hope, so awed about your existence.
I found your hospital wrist band with your name recently. So tiny. I held it for a while, this was around your wrist. How can you be so near and so far?
Darling, on your second birthday, I want you to know how much we love you, how much of our family you are, how much you have given us, how much is gone with you. That we nurture your place, we keep it fresh, we are open to its changes, it is alive.
Thank you for the honor of being your mama, of singing to you when you were here, I sang from the easiest, tenderest place of my heart. I sang to you today, one hand on your grave. I felt the hum of you there, it was easy to sing. I find you with my hand on the ground, on a tree, when I am easy in my heart, when I am easy on myself. But oh, I wish I didn't have to wait till the end of my life to hold you again. oh, this part hurts.
Please, take my kisses tonight. Feel the love of your family. Let the orange balloon that Nona brought you make you giggle and the cupcakes with blackberry frosting make you smile with delight. Let your little sister make you laugh when she squeezes Poppi's nose and makes him howl. Feel our love. You have given us so much. You have melted us.
You are our child and we hold you, wrapped up and warm, in the arms of our hearts. Happy Birthday, my sweet boy. And many more. Blow out the candles!
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