Such a beautiful day with your sister today. She saw the ocean for the first time. She gives us so much love, so much joy, it's so easy to love her.

We miss you.

There is a little boy down the street born only 3 weeks after you. We see him and know what you would be doing now. He ran into our driveway with his mom today, with a big stick, so thrilled with this big stick, jumping and running, and your Dad and I were just thrown into heartache. I don't know if his mom knows our story, but she says hi to us and to Luna, and we watch her little boy with smiles and hidden tears.

I wish I knew what this was all about.

I don't understand life.

I love my baby Luna, I love you, I wish you were still here. I'm so glad there are toys all over our house and a high chair at the table and diapers in the drier. I am so grateful for our blessings. And my heart aches too.

My friend had a baby last night here at Kaiser. A brand new little being, so sweet, so full of spirit, I still feel glowing from holding him.

And it makes me long for Otto. It's their first baby, a boy, and seeing them holding him and taking him in, and realizing, they get to keep him, they get to keep getting to know him. And I want that still, with Otto, I want to go back and make it all right, make it all come out the way it was supposed to. I miss you, my little boy. I look at all your pictures, your sweet fat belly, your arms and legs, your cheeks and I want to kiss them. I want to kiss them over and over like I get to do with baby Luna.

She smells so good, and I am so amazed at all the love I get back from her, the sweet looks up, the smiles, the wet kisses on my cheeks, the jokes. It makes me so happy and it makes me know all the more what I've missed with you, what I am missing. It is odd to think you were only here, outside the belly for a week. Our relationship to you seems timeless, ongoing, here and now. You are not something that happened and that we got over, you are alive now, to us.

I ache for those moments of laying in bed, with my first baby, examining him, in wonder of him, all being well. I still can't believe it. I still can't believe that he came and went, I still have a part of me that thinks I can DO something about it, a deep, unconscious little person that still wants to act to save him. It goes against every cell in a mama's body to let her baby die, to let him go, to let him fade and go on without you. When you love this being in a way you've never loved before. And I still love him that way, but without him here to smile back.

I Am the Mother of Two Children

Baby Otto

Baby Luna


I am the Mother of two children.
My son and my daughter.
My golden boy and my strawberry girl.
I love the day, mother's day,
When I get to write both their names
When both their names appear on cards
When I can write:
Love, Ryan, Jess, Otto and Luna
Because that is always how I feel.
Because I carried and gave birth
to a big bouncing beautiful boy
who had an accident
and had to leave so early...
and his name is always missing where I want to put it
But I don't want to seem maudlin or weird
Writing the name of my dead little boy on every card.
But I can do it today, because no one can say today,
That he isn't with me.
This is my second mother's day without him.
Last year on this day, my mama and I went to pick a rosebush for him.
We searched and searched for the right colors.
And chose a rose called Josef's Coat, with brilliant sunny colors
With creamy oranges and bright pinks, yellows and creams,
each finding different expression on each flower,
the petals works of watercolors themselves,
magenta bleeding into sunrise,
a lift for the spirit to just look at it.
Why does a boy with such a sad story
Inspire such wonderful colors?
I don't know! But we loved him so much!
And I love him now, just as much as my Luna,
My funny, sweet, velvety voiced, happy eyed girl,
The baby I get to hold, whose weight I get to feel,
Whose diaper I get to change, whose hair I get to wash,
Whose feet I get to kiss and bite softly,
Little sister. Little sister gets enough love for the both of them,
And she send's Otto's portion
Straight up to him, and he's somewhere, everywhere,
Soaking it up and glowing and with happy eyes.
It is easier for me to send him love lately,
Luna's realness, her weight, makes him real again,
Makes me know more what I lost,
Makes me miss him more, but love him more too.
Makes me know how much he loved me here,
And loves me now.
I am the mama of two children,
one here and one gone,
a boy and a girl,
one in the ground and sky, one in my arms,
My heart aches with this love
The love of light and shadow,
and knowing that I can't control which one I will walk in,
Any day, any hour, we are subject to all things,
And love covers them all, the disappointments, the surprises,
The loss, the gain, in sickness and in health,
for rich or for poor,
Love is love is love is love
and it's really all we live for.
So, my two children,
It is such an honor to be your mama.
I love you both so much.
You are so perfect and I am so lucky.
I love this day, when I can write both your names
And call you my own,
And be in the wonder
Of being a mama
Of two beautiful children.

luna 5 months

Things I want to remember:

Her hands holding my fingers as she falls asleep nursing
The smell on the top of her head, sweet and a little sweaty
The puffy cool cheeks as I kiss them
When she puts her hands slowly on my face
Her experimental screams
her words like "bwa" and "mmmmmmommmmommmomm"
Her giggles at things we have no idea about
Her peals of laughter when we kiss her belly
her little feet on my legs as we sleep, warm and cozy
Comforting her when we FINALLY get home and I can pull her out of the carseat with big tears on her cheeks, and she stops crying and sighs
Her wonder at everything in the world
Her beautiful eyes that seem too liquid to be of this plane
Dancing and singing for her as I make lunch to make her smile
So much
so many things
make my heart so full

Luna Love 4 months

Sweet Luna girl, 4 months now! 15 pounds, 9 ounces, and 25 inches long. She grew 4 inches last 2 months! She's amazingly wonderful. Smiles and sings, she's taken with the world. Laughing at Bo, and at Daddy. We're so so proud of her!

The light at the very end of the day,
Blue wateriness coming through the windows,
I hold my child in my arms,
Wrapped in a blanket,
Sleepy head in the crook of my arm
I bounce on the red yoga ball
As I do every time
She goes down for a nap.
On the edge of dreams,
She waits with me
As it takes her over.
Sometimes I start out tired,
A little complainy,
And then realize what I am holding,
What I am doing:
Holding my own babe
As she drifts.
She trusts me;
I love her.
Holding her in my arms
I say Thank You.
Thank you for this gift,
This gift of all I wanted
This precious moment
Of bouncing
Of almost sleep
Of my baby.
Thank you for hearing me
And giving her to me
Thank you that I get to do this.
And I realize
I've been bouncing
Long after she has fallen asleep,
It's just you and me, kid.
Do you mind
If I keep you here a moment longer
before I lay you in your bed,
So content to rest?